Whats in a name? Die, Shakespeare

I am like the proverbial Hero's sister slinking into a dark corner, pleading to be left for bhagwaan. And you are the slowly taking off his shirt mustachoed villain announcing your intention to not leave me for anywhere( kaheen ka nahin).

The rape of my name continues unabated.

It started in my school in Australia, where my geogoraphy teacher insisted on calling me Tushan Keepat, making my name sound like some weird African country which her students couldnt locate.

Then in Lucknow/Delhi, my school/college friends decided to call me Tush, Tushi etc. making me a ripe target for jokes like, Tush- who needs a push and Tushi- you ***** etc.

Having survived all that and the subsequent MBA years,I was feeling fairly confident as I stepped onto sambhar-land for my first job. Little did I know that your best and my worst was yet to come.

Now the gentle folk of sambhar-land are mostly benign and peace loving.But they have an uncanny habit of giving a grotesque new look to your name while you are looking away. So, a Gaurav might become Ghaurzhavx and Dhruv, Djhruva.

Sure, I'm exaggerating a bit. But if your name was ever subjected to Tusar, Thusar, Thusara and Thoosara kind of torture, you will be cynical too. I shudder to imagine if, by some sadistic twist of fate, I were actually a sambharian from sambhar-land called Thoosara.In which case,it's unlikley, I would have ever made any friends.

Me: Hello, I'm Thoosara
You: Kitna sara? hrmph...kheen kheen...hehe.

And my career opportunities would certainly have been limited.

Interviewer: hmmm...so whats your name?
Me: Thoosara
Interviewer: Aoww, u spat on me...never mind. Father's name?
Me: Muthoo
Interviewer: Aoww...security guard...throw him out
Guard: Who?
Interviewer: Thoosara
Guard: aoww...u spat on me. I quit.
Interviewer: ok. You can take his job, Thoosara.
Me: aoww, Thank you Sir!

Revenge

He got up with a start. That... was the first thought that came to his mind. He smiled, "I'm actually looking forward to going to office because of her. So she's not entirely useless. " He went to the bathroom and picked up the toothpaste. His mind was, for the umpteenth time, recounting all his memories of P. She had humiliated him in school, for which he could never forgive her. It had been eight years and even though he'd stood a fair distance away, he could almost make out what she was telling the Principal. He'd felt a strange sense of heaviness inside his body. The sound of his own shaking voice, while he explained to Father Joseph, made him more angry. He said, "Sir, I never made those crank calls" and thought, 'that too to her'. He suddenly realised he had stopped brushing and was standing there staring at the mirror.

As he drove to office, he found it hard to concentrate. Yesterday, when Venkat had told him that a certain Ms. P.S. was joining him in the same department, he could'nt believe his luck. It had to be her and God was giving him an opportunity for revenge. First, he would pretend that he does'nt remember her. He sat upright and looked thoughtfully at the traffic. Then, he would make her wait for hours and later, send her to visit each of our seventy four upcountry vendors.
I will make your life a miserable hell-hole.

He parked his cars and climbed up the office stairs, three at a time. At the reception he pretended to fill the entry register. The familiar sense of heaviness had returned. For, from the corner of his eye, he'd caught her sitting at the sofa. It was her all right. She uncrossed her legs. He fumbled with the pen cap. She was about to stand as he almost slammed shut the regsiter. She moved towards him. He nearly collided with the glass door which led to his cubicle.

Once inside, he felt more relieved than victorious. Every guy in school made tens of lewd calls to her so what I made one. I did'nt deserve the suspension. He felt almost righteous as he tried to calm his nerves. After ten minutes, he noted that she opened the glass door and entered the office sitting area. She moved towards his cubicle.

She has the nerve to walk in without permission. I will blast her to outer space. He looked harder and harder into his laptop without seeing anything. He jumped as the telephone rang at the same instant. Instead, of taking the call he looked up to see where she was. It kept ringing.

"Hello"
"Tushar?"
"Yes"
"Avinash"
"Yes Avinash?"
" Can you come into my cabin for a second?"
"Yes Sir."

In the cabin,

" Sir, you called me?"
"Yes"

Avinash made a large semi-circle with his hand to point towards the seat in front of him. "Meet, Ms P.S. here. She is joining the Exports division as your new boss."

Unoriginal Sin

An assorted collection of some great lines from some of my favourite movies. Feel free to suggest a few of your own. Almost every other blog you, wisely, dont read, has a compilation like this. But you know whats the difference betwen me and them. I will make this look good*.
Here goes

" Oh, Don't be ridiculous Alex, Everybody wants to be us"
- Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestley in The Devil wears Prada
( You see this movie and you would want to snatch the oscar from Helen Mirren's hands and hand it over to Meryl)

" S: You really like yourself, dont you?
K: Yes, I'm my favourite"
- Jab We Met
( I have blogged about this earlier)

" You make me want to be a better man"
- Jack Nicholson, As good as it gets

" I want to be new again"
- Meryl Streep, Adaptation
( Spike Jonze's metaphysical movie making. by far, the most intelligent movie i've ever seen)

" When there is absolutely no hope, there is complete freedom"
- Fight Club

" Servant: Baba saheb juice.
HR: Murali, geyser on kar dena"
- Hrithik, Lakshya
(reminded me of me)

" Jo ladki apne baap ko thag sakti hai wo kisi aur ki sagi kya hogi"
- Omkara

" Atma ki santi mein, nafa nuksan nahin dekhte"
- Pankaj Kapoor, Blue Umbrella
( if you ever come across a better performance, let me know. I will disagree)

" Gilauri khaya karo gulfam, zabaan kaaboo mein rehti hai"
- Pankaj Kapoor, Maqbool

" I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... ... ... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst.... ... ... and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will someday."
- Kevin Spacey as Lester Burnham in American Beauty.( courtesy imdb)

"You have to do the best with what God gave you."
- Forrest Gump

" Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me?
....
Mrs. R: Do you want me to seduce you? "
- The Graduate

"I'm his father. You're the guy _____ his mom."
- Thank you for smoking
(one of the many fantafabulous lines in this flick)

" Wo meri beti ki saheli thi. Chutti manane humare ghar aayi thi..."
- AB, Nishabd
(easily one of old man's best performances)

*- Will Smith, Men In Black
( The would-be first black president of USA)

The biggest IPO to hit the Indian market. This blog is going public soon!!

प्रेमचंद इन अ कॉर्नर

कुछ महीने पहले अगर मेरे मन में यह विचार आया होता, कि भई क्यों न हिन्दी में एक blog लिखा जाये. तो शायद मैं उपहास, परिहास में इस सोच को चलता करता. लेकिन, अब आप इसको मेरा साहस कहिये या दुस्साहस, पर विक्टर ह्यूगो से उचित माफ़ी मांगते हुए, यह वो आईडिया है जिसका समय अब आ गया है. तो फिर इस डेहरी को लांघने में देरी कैसी.

हुआ यूँ, कि कुछ समय पहले, संयोग से मेरी नज़र बंगलोर के रेसिडेन्सी रोड स्थित क्रासवर्ड के छोटे और नेगलेक्टेड हिस्से पे पड़ी जो, हिन्दी की किताबें रखता है. अब इस कलेक्शन को हिन्दी कि किताबें का संग्रह कहूँ तो जैसे कि अंग्रेजी में कहते हैं, शायद मैथलीशरण गुप्त अपनी 'कब्र' में करवट बदलें. गलत होगा क्यूँकि यहाँ केवल, मोटापा कम करने कि, अंग्रेजी सेल्फ-हेल्प उपन्यासों कि भद्दी ट्रांस्लेशन्स और अध्यात्मिक (याने कि ओशो) किताबें ही थी. पर जैसे कि कीचड़ में कमल होता है और अंधकार के बीच रोशनी, वैसे ही अकस्मात् मेरी नज़र प्रेमचंद के द्वारा लिखी गयी गोदान पर पड़ी. तो मैं उस किताब को बगल में दबाकर ऐसा भागा कि जैसे बच्चा टाफी छीन कर भागे या बन्दर केला.

अब मेरे और प्रेमचंदजी के बीच में जो रिश्ता कायम हुआ उसकी नींव गहरी है. मैं और लेखक दोनो ही पूर्वी उत्तर प्रदेश के कायस्थ समाज से हैं, और जिस सामाजिक परिवेश का विवरण , प्रेमचंद ने किया है, वह, और भाषा शैली, दोनों ही, मेरे लिए थोड़ी बहुत जानी पहचानी थी. जैसा कि मेरे साथ प्रायः होता है, कुछ नया करने से पहले, prejudices कि एक ऊंची दीवार खड़ी हो जाती है. पहली बार हिन्दी किताब पढ़ रहा हूँ...पता नहीं खत्म कर पाऊँगा के नही. जाने किस बाबा आदम कि ज़माने कि कहानी होगी जिसका relevance शायद अब लुप्त हो चुका हो.

कुछ बीस पच्चीस पन्ने हे पल्टे होंगे कि ये दीवार औंधे मृँह गिर पड़ी. Clandestine अफेयर्स, प्री-मेरिटल सेक्स और अविवाहित माओं के बारे में पढ़ के, मैं हैरान था. मिस मालती जैसा लिबरल minded इन्डीपेंडेंट, स्वाभिमानी और मोडर्न स्त्री का पात्र, शायद ही आपने कभी पढ़ा होगा.

जितने सशक्त पात्र उतनी ही सहज भाषा में लिखे गए इस उपन्यास को पढ़ के एक नए तरह का आनंद आया. मन हुआ कि सड़क पर चल रहे हर दूसरे व्यक्ति को पकड़ कर आदेश दूं कि यह किताब आज ही पढे.जल्द ही वह बच्चा, और टाफी कि लालच में वापस क्रासवर्ड पहुँचा, और पूरा डब्बा चट कर गया. भूख बढ़ी तो अब वो मनोहर श्याम जोशी तक पहुंच गया है. जिनके राईटिंग स्टाइल के नक़ल कि इमानदार कोशिश इस लेख में साफ दिखाई देगी.

Laughing all the way to the bank

Humour is such a divine emotion. Everyone wants to be around people who make them laugh. Who are the people who make you laugh? I decided to compile a list of top 5 people I know, whom I'm instantly reminded of having a great sense of humour. Here it is,
1. A N (batchmate from b-school- The Great Indian Laughter Champion)
2. DDD (bm from school- creative musical humour)
3. T M (bm from college- dry, witty, situational humour)
4. N V (bm from school- slapstick sleazy humour)
5. V M (friend from work- his blog: lostconfusedandconfident.blogspot.com)

Unfortunately, I have been working in a place which is a graveyard for humour. Anything funny is frowned upon. And if you want to say something remotely funny, be sure to test it on a few friends and sleep over it for a couple of nights. I work in a bank. There is wisdom in old phrases like, 'laughing all the way to the bank' because once inside you might be pulled up for misconduct. 'He was caught laughing in the corridor during office hours'.

To be fair, it IS hard for bank employees to have a sense of humour. I mean, imagine telling a customer, 'We charged you an interest rate that would make Shylock proud' or 'Your cheque bounced like popcorn in a microwave'. However, there are two kinds of humour prevalent in my bank. The no-women-around-lets-quickly-crack-dirty-jokes variety and the property-prices-are-rising-in-chennai-oh-stop,-ur-killing-me kind.

It is under these difficult circumstances, that me and my friend V managed to create a few memorable characters.
1. Cho: The chappie who was getting fired. We imagined he might do a Cho( a la Virginia Tech.) and end up killing our bosses.
2. Ganpat: The shortie, who on account of his shortness managed to get into everyones a** and thus being a PITA.
3. TPO: the perfect one, the girl who looked good from a distance. Our collective thoughts about her would make a serial rapist blush. She was visually maligned so much by everyone in the bank that she once stood up in an office meet and said, "Main tum sab ke bacche ki maa banne waali hoon."